Round 2 Challenge#2 - Simon's response

[vae]

Title: Darkness
Author: woodsong_1978
Character: Simon Tam
Rating: G
Question: #2) What moment in your life has caused you to feel the greatest amount of shame?
Disclaimer: I didn't create Simon Tam, or the Firefly 'verse. I don't own them, and I make no profit from this.
Author's Notes: This one took a while. Sorry.

It's taken a while for me to answer this. Your questions continue to force me to examine parts of my character that I would be more comfortable ignoring. But I suppose that wouldn't be healthy, either.

Shame. Well, there are many things in my life that I am ashamed of. Kaylee would mention a statue, and a night when I drank too much sake. River ... well, River could tell you more embarrassing moments in my life than I'd care to remember. If you asked Zeke, back from the days I was at MedAcad, he'd mutter something about the pharmaceuticals lab and a certain sunny afternoon. Skipping lectures isn't even on the scale, now.

None of them know which moment caused me the greatest amount of shame. Maybe the captain knows. Probably. He seems to know most things on this ship.

Sometimes, I wonder if it's the fact that it took me so long to work out that River was being hurt at the Academy. That I didn't know earlier, that I didn't try harder and get to her faster once I knew. When I think longer, I know it isn't.

The moment that caused me to feel the greatest amount of shame so far is the moment I used Kaylee's life as a bargaining chip. I did it to protect River, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Having to acknowledge that, even for that one moment, I was willing to risk her life, to let her die, regardless of whether she was a stranger to me or as dear as she is now...that makes me realize that there is a ruthlessness in me of which I am deeply ashamed.

I expect there always will be. Because of it, I expect there will be other things I do in my life that will cause me to feel even more shame than that moment.

Comments

[lvs2read.livejournal.com]

Ooh, you brought in Zeke, you sneaky thing you. *g* I love this. It's so absolutely true. He does have a well-hidden ruthless streak. I think people tend to forget that. *g* Well done, and worth the wait!

[vae]

Couldn't resist. It's bad of me, but I love my Zeke. I really have to write that afternoon sometime.

[vae]

Definitely not happy-go-lucky. Shy? yes. Foot in mouth? Always *g*

[stormkpr.livejournal.com]

Very good. It definitely sounds like Simon, and you made a good choice for his answer.

[vae]

Thanks *g*

[rabid-x.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, I bet the captain does know indeed. I like the bits of past shames in there. They lend a very Simon-like tone to the story-telling.

[vae]

I think he does. If Simon had been the kind of person who could use Kaylee as a bargaining chip and not feel any shame over it, I suspect Mal would have kicked him off at Whitefall, Reavers or no Reavers.

[lyr]

Well done! Very believeable Simon-voice; I'm absolutely sold that this is how he'd answer.

[vae]

You are? Thanks! I really do like writing Simon.